1)New Hampshire tourism officials are scrambling to replace The Old Man of the Mountain, a natural rock formation of
an old man, which lent its image as a state symbol for years, and was the most photographed object in the state. They have
hastily come up with a top ten list of contenders:
Top Ten Contenders for New Top Attraction in New Hampshire
10. "Babe," the Spray-Painted Ox
9. The Eternally Flaming Mountain of Tires
8. The Leaning Tower of Laconia
7.
The University of New Hampshire Museum of Prepetual Motion Machines
("We never close! Get it?")
6. The Audio-Animatronic
John Sununu
5. The Portsmouth Piggery
4. The "I Can See Ben and Jerry's From Here!" Chair Lift
3. The Worlds Smallest
Globe
2. The New Manchester Wal-Mart
And the number one Contender for the New Top Attraction in New Hampshire:
1. The Pile of Rubble That, If The Light Is Juuuust Right, And You
Squint A Bit, Looks Kind Of Like Wendell Wilkie
2)A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him."
3) Ten funny things a caddy should say to a golfer:
#10
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most
of the earth."
# 8
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of
a
coincidence."
# 5
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch
- it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour
ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off,
sir."
4)A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for the old man by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there is warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham,
steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
Marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
It is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country
is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is
near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is
lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
One day a duck went to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. Then he walked up to the store manager and
said, "Got any Duck food?" The manager replied, "No, we only have people food here." The duck left.
The next day the duck went back to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. He walked up to the manager
and said, "Got any duck food?" He replied, "No! We only sell people food here and if you ask me again I will nail your feet
to the ground!" The duck left.
A
cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you
desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' 
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been
chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. 
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, 
Three
bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on
which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him
any of mine." 
The first bull says, "Ahem...You
know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few
for our new friend." 
Two
guys meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."