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Now Osama bin Laden jokes:
1)
Taliban TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30
- "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says
Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution
Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 -
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet
Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants
To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
2)
Osama bin Laden and Taliban One-Liner Jokes
Q:
How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know
where those Tomahawks are coming from!
3)
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They
come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the
Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels,
Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall
around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing
can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
4)Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his
death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. "You will die on
an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic.
"Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"
Now some Gorge W. Bush jokes:
1)
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks
her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows
if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to
demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I
wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
stupid."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer,
sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, It's Tony Blair!"
2)
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells
him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove
who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome
to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches
his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
3)Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10
million Iraqis!"
4)
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Hu's On First
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George:
Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi:
That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George:
I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader
of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking
me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi:
That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me
the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I
thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George:
Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi:
No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary
General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George:
No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George:
Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu
is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the
Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple
of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food
in the Middle East? | | |
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